21

Alright, back once again...

Today is my birthday...my 21st. Woohoo.....not. I requested peace and quiet since I have exams tomorrow. And really I have learned to not get too excited about my birthday becaues it always ends in dissappointment.....I alwasy feel sad at the end of the day or the next day....I LOVE celebrating other people's birthday...but it just feels like I'm a burdon when its my own. So anywho...I am quite happy with being locked up here at home to study :) I enjoy the subject at least...

Last time I weighed myself i was 44.7 kg (98.5 pounds...jesus what a fat number on my 5'6"..)....it's pretty good, I mean it could be worse....I never thought I'd get to see 44 again...not that far from 43!....oh imagine getting to 42! haha....bliss
Though i am confused because my boyfriend had said he thought I might ahve gained a tiny tiny tiny bit on my legs and stomach (but he wasn't sure)...that freaked me out...Could be waterweight, so I'm trying to drink more so my body will stop being a whore and store water....And I'm not eating much....Unfortunantly I'm purging more again...fuck. I'm paranoid about my potassium...but fuck I don't know.
I want to get thinner so bad...but at the same time I know it's not that realistic.
I haven't dared to weigh myself after drinking so much for a few days....but according to my measurements I haven't gained..........

I really am balancing on a ledge.....

Hmm there's so much more I'd like to write about but I feel a bitt ADD....and I have to go study.
So I'll leave it at that.

Soon...soon...

45,8 kg...
I'm thinking it's water and whatever. I don't want to think about what it is. And I don't think I'll weigh myself until next weekend or something.

Yesterday didn't go as well as I thouht binge-wise....I did b/p a few times and a major one before bed. Today is another go at trying to keep it at one...I know I can do it!

Tomorrow I have classes so I'll be busy and I hope for a good week. I need to seriously start packing for the move...less than 2 weeks left now :) Wiihoo!
Things feel like they'll get better after that. I won't be as dependant on my family. There's so many issues within our family right now and I somehow always get in the middle of them.
Slowly, slowly I'm building up myself and my life and I have realised it's all up to ME to get it the way I want...because I CAN! And when you realise that, it feels great!

I think I'm going to go rest, even though I've slept a long time...I went to bed at around 2 am last night which is unusual for me since I almost always go to bed at around 11.... and I slept until 10 am, which is also unusual because I am always restless and get up at 6 am....so it was nice to finally relaxe a bit...but I'm still tired, so I'm going to take a catnap....or at least read my book.
Then I'll be going into town, and what I'll do there I have no idea...mayb ehelp my grandparents once again. Fuck I need money for food and for the traintickets tomorrow....That'll be today's main task so to speak.

Take care everybody!

Currently Crossing the Rubicon By The Sounds see related

Wawawiwa!

45.6 kg = 100.5 LBS... Not bad, not bad....
Kind of feels shitty that I have started weighing myself again, but I feel that if I just can control what I weigh right now, other things will keeping flowing better... It's all psychological isn't it?...

Yesterday was strange. I studied and I felt I understood it all which makes me very happy that I can actually enjoy an academic subject of the proportion. But I did "mini-binge/purge" several times and the day ended with a big b/p that lasted until 12.30 am........So much anxiety and feelings I guess...I even have food over, but that does not mean I plan on b/ping more today. No NO NO! I will keep it to just one if I must.
Today I must go to my grandparents and help them with some housework. Maybe I'll earn some money...not much but still a little bit. I feel bad because I've been a bit mad at my grandpa for being an ass in the past, but he's become so old and ill and has become much nicer....and I have my gaurd up at all times and he really is trying to be nice...I just need to get used to that and just go back to the way it was before all the bad things happened...back to the way we were when I was little. Maybe this is a good turning point as well! I'll give it a go today :)

I also feel bad I was so "difficult" towards my mother yesterday....I was in a "crying"-mood and she's always the one who has to deal with it unfortunantly....I really need to make it up to her. If not now, then I'll do it in the future when I get money and a good life. I'm going to make it up to both my parents! My dad will get back all the money I have borrowed and so will my mom or at least I'll be nice to her. Who knows?.........
Any tips on how to make it up to her now? haha the simple answer would be "just be nice to her"...but hey, you don't know my mom...and how hard it can be...haha...
Fuck I seem to be in a nice mood today....Hope it doesn't change like yesterday.

My boyfriend's birthday is today so I need to congratulate him in some nice way :)

So I've got shit to do today and I WILL NOT be having any moodswings....I can't afford that today, haha.

I'm off to drink my coffee....today it was extremely good. Damn I'm good at making coffee......

I have yet to post photos, I know. Excuse the delay....(IF ANYBODY IS READING THIS, HAHA)

Currently Two Caravans By Marina Lewycka see related

Well it's about time!

So I've been logging on to Xanga several times lately and feeling I WANT to update, but I never get around to doing it. I used to be very active on an ED-forum, but lately I've felt it hasn't given me anything and stressing me out...Not that I am into this whole "recovery" buisness, but I need avoid that stress of having to lose more weight. So I feel I want to start updating this thing more often...and maybe start getting in touch with the many wonderful people I've known here...and maybe some new friends!

My weight has been pretty stable all summer afte rmy hospitalisation. I'm at around 46 kg.... My ultimate goalweight ever since this Ed-shit started....but then I changed it to 43 kg...and I did reach that right before I was hospitalised for low potassium and almost dying..... I starred death right in the face, then smacked him in the face and went on with my life.
Okay, I still binge daily and purge and all that...but it's only once compared to the 5-6 times a day before. And I eat around 800-1000 calories a day compared to the 200 calories before...
I have so much I want to do, and I have started up with a lot of hobbies and shit, that I just can't be bothered with "too much bulimia"...
So basically I'm happy I can maintaine my weight at around 46 kg and have somewhat of a life.

I've started studying at the university, studying languages. I love it. Okay, we only just begun, but still. It's nice to have an academic thing to think about, and not just my "artsy-side".
I'm also doing a lot of theater things and we have a play in November. Also I have a few comedy gigs now and again. Love that too!
I'm moving as well soon, into town and things will just feel much better.
Things are running smoothly actually....Okay I don't have a job, but I'm working on that..
Nothing can get me down...
HAH! I'm even making progress in therapy and started crying yesterday, something I've NEVER EVER done because nothing has gotten in that far.....but maybe this is a turning point?

But like I've said, I'm not expecting to ever recover from my ED, but as long as I can enjoy life by doing things I want, then I'm fine...
I can go as far as taking care of myself so I don't end up at the hospital again...

But I really would like to lose more weight.... Feels like I'm normal weight again because I've started eating more...BUt according to my measurements, they aren't any different from 43 kg...........damn thats 3 kg and still they havent' changed?! IT'S ILLOGICAL, ISN¨T IT?!....maybe not, I don't know. But I don't trust it. But okay whatever....
I'll keep to my 800 kcal a day and whatever and hope I don't gain anymore.

Today I was supposed to have lectures, but I missed the train and it just messed everything up. SO I'm going to study at home...or at the library, or whatever.
Well I gotta go catch the bus because I have now decided that it is better to study at the library. And I also have a few other things to do. Like cat-sitting for my mother, haha. She just got a kitten.
I feel an extra binge is coming my way today...oh well...
I really can't be bothered today. But we'll see, we'll see.
I'm happy if I can just study and learn something today and do what I need to do...that way I won't beat myself up if I do B/P today....
And I hope my measurements go down tomorrow, because they increased from yesterday even though I ate ever less than 800 kcal...maybe it's water retension? who knows....well whatever.

I*m off. Maybe I'll update later.....haha..........I'm already a bit addicted. but we'll see. Maybe I'll post some recent photos and you can tell me if I'm a lardass ;)

Please comment those of you who still read this shit. I promise I'll start commenting more. :)

Frog-seal-clown...that's me.

Yes that's what I'm starting to become...I think.

I'm eating more, right. about 800 kcal a day, right....and purging maybe once a day, right. So....question is am I gaining...I dont know...my measurements told me so this morning. what the fuck?

fuck it. I dont know. I want an answer yet I dont want one.

All I want is to stay in bed, smoke, drink coffee and listen to classical music with my biatch....my number one bEtch.
That and to be able to live on coffee and ciggs for numerous days...but NO...I had to go turn über-bulimic...but then again we haven't seen the end of this, have we? But at least I could "eat" with people when bulimic and act normally despite the fact I purge...but the gig is up and my potassium won't have it .....I won't have my potassium haha no just kidding, but yeah....

It's all so confusing and frustrating....But being crazy helps...also I have started to draw more and more paralells to alice in wonderland...The author must have written it with purpose of lost little girls like me to read between the lines....?